I Assigned God Roles To My Favorite Queer Celebrities

I Assigned God Roles To My Favorite Queer Celebrities

By Camille Ora-Nicole

I can be pretty blasphemous while sitting in LA traffic. A few weeks ago while trying to improve my patience on the freeway,  I asked myself, “If Hayley Kiyoko is Lesbian Jesus, who’s the holy spirit?”

Then I took it a step further and started wondering who would be who in the Greek Pantheon. After some reflection, I’ve come up with a list of queer celebrities and their holy counterparts.

Hayley Kiyoko: Lesbian Jesus

hayley kiyoko

The son of the Christian god. (Understood from my several years of Christian schooling)

This one is a given. Hayley Kiyoko was given the moniker “Lesbian Jesus” by avid fans and hasn’t let us down yet. She speaks out against queerbaiting, is explicit about her orientation in her songs, and gives us beautiful music videos to boot. She may be able to do what none other has truly done before: become the first openly gay pop icon. Praise Lesbian Jesus.

King Princess: Lesbian Holy Spirit

king princess

“it ‘appears as an impersonal force which fills a man like a fluid.'” (Wikipedia – It’s hard to explain even by people who grew up Christian)

If Hayley Kiyoko is Lesbian Jesus, I move to call King Princess Lesbian Holy Spirit. If you don’t understand why, clearly you haven’t heard her EP Make My Bed yet. I suggest that you do. Her music is the sort that worms itself into your heart first, then your mind. It sticks in an ethereal, beautiful sort of way. That’s partially due to how relatable it is, but mostly because of the simple but lush nature of the music itself. Give it a listen and tell me you won’t be ready to accept the spirit.

Any Queer Black/Brown Woman: God

Creator of the world (Ditto why I can define Jesus)

Yeah, I said it.

Laverne Cox: Athena

laverne cox

Goddess of wisdom, knowledge, reason, intelligent activity, literature, handicrafts, science, defense, and strategic warfare. (Wikipedia)

Moving on to the Greek Pantheon, I’ve decided that if anyone is Athena, it’s Laverne Cox. This is mostly due to her role in Orange is the New Black; she is arguably the strongest character on the show. She’s also wise – she stays out of trouble as much as is possible and almost always has good advice for the other inmates. Plus, she’s a fierce advocate of those she loves. In real life, Laverne Cox is graceful, beautiful, and succinctly explains why trans representation in the media is important. Furthermore, she’s not afraid to speak out against discrimination and violence. That, in and of itself, is fierce as hell.

Lena Waithe: Apollo

lena waithe
Mandatory Credit: Photo by Chelsea Lauren/REX/Shutterstock (9786549bf) Lena Waithe Hollywood Foreign Press Association Annual Grants Banquet, Arrivals, Los Angeles, USA – 09 Aug 2018

God of light, the sun, prophecy, philosophy, truth, inspiration, poetry, music, arts, medicine, healing, and plague. (Wikipedia)

Lena Waithe has become a force to be reckoned with. She wears her truth on her sleeves (literally). She hasn’t been afraid to speak out against discriminatory practices in media. She has also been a champion for freedom of expression, dismissing negative stigma that can come with being called butch. As we all should know, how one decides to express their gender has little to do with the heart of a person. 

Lastly, there are all the projects she’s a part of, with one of the most recent being The Chi, which she created. Lena Waithe is talented, fierce, and honest. This is why she is Apollo.

Guillermo Diaz: Ares

guillermo diaz

God of war, violence, bloodshed, and manly virtues. (Wikipedia)

In real life, Guillermo Diaz is a really nice guy. This assignment is due purely to his role in Scandal – that is all. It’s not that his character in the wanted to be destructive and violent, it just turned out that way. It’s not his fault that he had PTSD and then became a part of B-13 (for the sake of avoiding spoilers I’ll stop there). In his defense, he fought against his urge to kill people constantly and mostly succeeded. I give him props for that. 

BD Wong: Hephaestus

bd wong

Master blacksmith and craftsman of the gods; god of the forge, craftsmanship, invention, fire, and volcanoes. (Wikipedia)

BD Wong’s role as Hephaestus comes from his roles as the head scientist in Jurassic Park that created the clones, as a mad scientist in Gotham, and his role as an FBI psychologist in Law and Order: SVU. In every show/film, powerful people use his skills to create weapons, justify arguments, or just, you know…breed mutant dinosaur for money. He is the master, and everyone wants him on their side. I think there might be a little typecasting here, but I could be wrong.

That was a joke. I’m not wrong. It’s typecasting.

RuPaul: Aphrodite

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Vince Bucci/Invision/AP/REX/Shutterstock (9877963gc) RuPaul Charles arrives at night two of the Television Academy’s 2018 Creative Arts Emmy Awards at the Microsoft Theater, in Los Angeles Television Academy’s 2018 Creative Arts Emmy Awards – Arrivals – Night Two, Los Angeles, USA – 09 Sep 2018

Goddess of love, pleasure, passion, procreation, fertility, beauty, and desire. (Wikipedia)

“Lemme hear you say love!”

Lately, we have all seen RuPaul be problematic, specifically when it comes to trans folx and young black queens (see Peppermint, The Vixen). And yet, I think it’s fair to say that many of us still have a soft spot for Ru. I think it’s entirely accurate that most of us who watch RuPaul’s Drag Race will continue to watch the show. We may be crossing our fingers for better treatment of the queens, but our fingers will be crossing while we’re comes gagging. Akin to Aphrodite, RuPaul at this point is a person that many of us hate to love.

Ellen Degeneres: Hermes

ellen degeneres

Messenger of the gods; god of travel, commerce, communication, borders, eloquence, diplomacy, thieves, and games. (Wikipedia)

We know Ellen Degeneres primarily as one of our favorite talk show hosts, so that’s where communication comes from. She’s unique in that her talk show is purely fun. She dances around the stage, plays pranks on her guests, and makes silly parodies of viral videos. If she weren’t extremely rich and famous, she’d probably be our favorite Youtuber. It works either way.

Janelle Monae: Bacchus

janelle monae

God of wine, the grapevine, fertility, festivity, ecstasy, madness,and resurrection. (Wikipedia)

Five years ago, I may not have given this particular role to Janelle Monae. However, after Dirty Computer I think it suites. Her latest album and video (not to mention her Instagram account) shows her willingness to have a damned good time. Sometimes the party is in pure celebration; other times it’s in defiance of those that would rip our rights and dignity away from us. Now that she’s come out to the world, we are seeing a whole new side of Janelle. We are seeing her willingness to live free and unshackled, experiment with style, and speak explicitly for equal treatment of the LGBTQ community. We are seeing her live unapologetically, and a lot of us, including myself, are taking inspiration from her dopeness.

Religions and hero worship both change from person to person, and there is no such thing as one that is right for everyone.* This list can be applied to the deities of any religion; these are just the two that I’m most familiar with.

Now that you have my opinion, I want to know: who do you think fits different god roles? 

*That last bit is the final thing I took away from all those years of Christian schooling. Yes, it made me a “heathen.”

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